Dear Diary
by tdifreak55
Summary: Pretty depressing right, but I swear even though I'm a goth I'm usually not depressed…or this depressed anyways. Hi, my name is Gwen Hollows and I am in the deepest friendzone ever. Like so far down the rabbit hole in friendzone-ville that not even a ten-foot rope could reach me.
1. June 10th, 2016 Destiny Awaits

_Dear Diary, you know what sucks? Being in love with your best friend. Wanna know what sucks more? Living next door to him. What's even worse? HIM NOT CLOSING HIS CURTAINS WHEN HE IS HAVING SEX WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND! Okay, I feel better now…just kidding I am now currently hiding in my bathroom because my bedroom is not safe. Courtney Banks how I hate you…how I motherfucking hate you. I hate you because you really aren't a horrible person. I hate you because I understand why Duncan loves you. I hate you because I get along with you. And I hate you because I can never be you. You're popular, got big tits, big ass (Duncan's favorite things) and I hate that I have a pancake ass and are a part of the itty bitty titty committee. I hate it that I'm one of the guys and you are his princess- what I hate most is; I wish that I could be you._

"I'm in the bathroom!" I yell at whoever is on the other side of the door.

"Okay okay sorry Gwen but I have to shit and mom's taking a shower!" My annoying fifteen-year-old brother Devon says.

"If Duncan's window is closed or you can't see body parts you can come in here otherwise you are out of luck. And if you lie to me you little twerp I'll stick your head in the damn toilet." I hear him walk away, then come back.

"I think they're done Gwen, I went on the balcony and didn't see anything, now _let me inside the bathroom!"_ I walk out of the bathroom and he nearly pushes me down to get through the door. I chuckle a little and put the black leather bound journal into my vanity desk and lock it, putting my key necklace back around my neck. After Devon found it last year, aka why he knows about my crush on Duncan, I promised myself that I would never let anyone find it ever again. My phone vibrates in my pocket, a reminder to go on my daily run. I'm naturally skinny, my mother is a toothpick, but I always want to be healthy. I go into my closet and put on my teal and black sports bra, matching capri leggings and my tennis shoes. I walk out and my brother makes gagging noises.

"Put on a shirt, no one wants to see your stomach."

"Well no one wants to smell your shit, and here we are." No, like really, it stinks so so bad. I'm glad I'm going out to get fresh air. As I walk down the stairs, I put my hair up into a ponytail, headphones in, and I'm off. Other than writing, running is the other place where I can release how I'm feeling.

" _I just don't understand…we have been best friends forever…I thought, maybe, he could have felt the same way. I was just too late…I waiting too long to tell him…and it just breaks my heart."_

I remember the day he told me he had a crush on Courtney…it was the day I was going to tell him that I had a crush on him. May 22, 2015. It's been just over a year and the heartache is still just as strong as it was back then. Duncan in his signature way of smirking, sitting on my bed just gushing on how awesome Courtney is, how great she is in the sack. He never knew that I cried for days. He never knew that he crushed me. He will never know that I love him. He will-

BAM!

I fall flat on my ass, what the hell. I look up and I see that I ran into a guy, Trent Lane, From school.

"I am so sorry; I was just…not paying attention."

"It's okay, really. Are you okay?" He stands up and offers me his hand, I grab it and I feel a spark of electricity go through my body. _"Wow…what the Hell was that?"_

"You're in my Chemistry class, right?" He asks me. He brushes his black hair out of his face, and his green eyes are right on me.

"Yeah, I think so. I'm usually in the back. I hate . He's such a-"

"Dirty old man?" I laugh.

"Yes, exactly. Finally someone else besides LeShawna agrees with me about that."

"Courtney sure doesn't…."

"Ugh don't get me started on her please…" I sigh.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you two have beef with each other." He rubs the back of his neck, I smile just a little.

"It's not beef per-say…it's complicated." He smiles.

"Well, I got time. Do you wanna go grab a bite to eat?"

"I'll take you on your offer for food, but I won't tell you why it's complicated." He smiles.

"Really, I just want to get to get to know you, so talk about whatever you want to." I smile and we walk to the Old Underground- a local coffee shop. The aroma of ground coffee and lemon cake swirls around in the air. After we get our black coffee, we head towards the booth. I take a sip of my coffee and smile.

"I've always loved this place."

"Same, best coffee in town." Trent says as we sit down in the booth.

"Way better than Starbucks. Big corporations always turn into shit after a while." Trent chuckles.

"It's so sad how true it is. Think about it, you pay damn nearly ten bucks for dirt water."

"Exactly!" Trent smiles.

"Still not going to tell me why you and Courtney aren't exactly buddy-buddy?" I sigh.

"You know who Duncan Howard is, right?"

"The guy who got sent to juvie sophomore year?"

"Yeah, him. Well, he's my best friend, and she's dating him. It's not…really that fact that bothers me, but I know he deserves more than her." Close enough to the truth…

"Ah…I gotcha…yeah I never understood…how…they're so different."

"To be honest, I think why they're still together right now is the sex." Trent's eyes widen up.

"The self-proclaimed virgin CIT isn't exactly a virgin?" Oh shit.

"Wait, she actually claims that? Seriously? Even after dating Duncan? Doesn't she realize that his reputation is basically him being an ex-juvie horn dog?"

"I've probably already said too much…" Trent rubs the back of his neck awkwardly again.

"No no, I'm the one who started this up. But why would have you said too much?"

"I don't want to really say anything..."

"Trent, what's up?" Before he can say anything else, he points behind me. When I turn around, of course Duncan and Courtney just so happen to walk in. Karma is a bitch and she keeps reminding every single day.

"Gwen? Hey!" Courtney's high pitch voice flows through the air.

"Fuck…" I mutter under my breath.

"Hey pasty." Duncan says, sitting down next to me. "Court's in line getting her crappachino." His eyebrow furrows when he sees Trent. "Who's emo boy over here." I awkwardly laugh.

"Oh Duncan…such a kidder…" I know he's not kidding. "This is Trent…I ran into him…literally."

"I can see that by your running clothes…Why didn't you call me? We usually go together."

"Just you and her?" Trent quizzes.

"No emo, with Courtney."

"Uh yeah…about that…"

"Yeah…?"

"I just…didn't want to run with Courtney and you today okay."

"Yeah, but why not is the question here Pasty." I roll my eyes at him and cross my arms. I'm getting annoyed by his questioning; only because I don't want to have to tell him that seeing him and Courtney having sex today has almost made me have a nervous breakdown. I'm the emotionless cool chick. I can't have anyone thinking I have feelings, now could I.

"Does it really even matter, I'm sure Courtney didn't mind one bit now did she."

"That's not the point here either, Gwen." Duncan crosses his arms as well.

"Look…" Trent says. Shit please don't say anything. "It's obvious she's uncomfortable, so why not just drop it."

"Uh excuse me, emo guy. This is between Gwen and me. So why not just shut the fuck up." I don't know why, I kind of don't even remember saying anything. When he said that, I just lost it.

"Duncan, he is just trying to be nice. You're being a big ole bag of douchebag topped with dog shit for an attitude. All he has been is fucking nice to me. You wanna know why I didn't want to go running with you and _princess_ today? I don't fucking appreciate seeing you two fucking every single damn fucking day!" At this point, I'm standing up, people are starting; including Courtney. "You don't care about anyone but yourself. You don't care about how watching my best friend slip away kills me, and watching you bang yourself into her helps so fucking much, idiot."

"Hey hey!" Courtney says running over, nervously laughing. "We don't have sex…"

"Bull. Shit. Courtney are you even yourself with him? Cause you damn sure aren't yourself in public. What's even worse is that I can't even say that you're this horrible girlfriend to him and that I hate you. I don't hate you, when it's just us three you're a pretty cool person. In public I can't fucking stand you because you turn into this uptight goody goody bitch." I could have sworn to see steam coming out of Courtney's ears.

"Well I never! Duncan, are you just going to let that…that… _Gothic weirdo_ talk to me like that!" Duncan is just looking off, not even responding to her.

" _Duncan! Do_ something!"

"Fine." He gets up, and starts to walk out the coffee shop. "And if _anyone_ tries to follow me, I'll beat your ass. _SO GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!"_ Courtney, Trent and I all wince, and a child starts crying, customers duck under the booths or jump behind the counter, and some nerdy kid starts crying. He storms out, and I have to fight every single nerve telling me to go after him, but I know better. Courtney on the other hand…

"Dunky, wait!" And there she goes; straight to her death. Poor Trent looks like a kicked puppy.

"That was…yeah…" He rubs the back of his neck.

"Yeah…let's just get out the back…"

"This place has a back?"

"I'll explain later…" I lead him to the back door that no one but the owner I'm sure knows about.

"How'd you uh…find that?" I sigh.

"Duncan and I have stolen some stuff here before…been a couple of years though."

"Is _that_ why he went to juvie?"

"No no, I just told him he's not getting his third strike with me around."

"Oh..."

"Look…I'm sorry about that…I guess I just…let out pent up anger over…a year…"

"A whole year huh…"

"Ugh I'm such an idiot." I do a face palm. "I shouldn't have said anything."

"No no, I think you should have. I'm sure I'll see why you two are friends at some point."

"What do you mean 'you'll see why we're friends'?" He then hands over a piece of paper.

"Next time…you won't have to run into me to get me to hang out with you. Text me next time you wanna go for a run." Trent smiles. "I'd love to walk you home, but I have band practice in about thirty minutes." He starts to walk off, then turns back. "Next time…it'll just be the two of us; I promise." I'm so glad he's turned around and can't see me because I'm blushing. I put the phone number in my phone before I lose the paper, and run back to my house. When I get back, Duncan is standing at my front porch; one leg propped up against the brick wall.

"We really need to talk." Duncan says with a very serious tone. I know what I'm gonna write about tonight. _"Dear Diary…Destiny has called, now do I answer the phone."_


	2. Arguments and Secrets

"Duncan." I say crossing my arms. "I really do not want to talk to you right now."

"Gwen, after that blowup back there, I think I deserve to have a conversation with you." Shit. I know that he has a good point, and I really do not like the fact that I cannot just not talk to him about this.

"Fine…let's just go to my room then."

"Good." We walk into the house and don't say a word. Thank God Devon and my mom seem to be out of the house. We get up to my room and I shut the door.

"Gwen what the hell was that back there!?"

"Excuse me!? Shouldn't _I_ be asking _you_ what the hell happened back there!?" I get up in his face. "You _have_ someone! All the time! I go out to eat with _one_ guy and it wasn't even a date, and you just flip your lid!"

"Are you saying I don't have the right to be angry at you for that?!" Duncan screams back in my face.

"No!" My eyes start welling up with tears. "No you really fucking don't Duncan." Suddenly I see Duncan's eyes soften.

"Look…I just didn't like him, okay. He gives me a vibe."

"Duncan I don' t like you with Courtney, and yet I keep, or well kept, my fucking mouth shut because she makes you happy. So now what is even the point of us talking. She's _never_ going to let us hang out _ever_ again." Duncan sighs.

"I'm really not here to fight with you about emo boy…"

"Trent. His name is Trent."

"Whatever. Look I have to tell you something. I swear on my brothers grave I'm telling you the truth." My eyes widen. When he says he'll swear on his brothers grave, it's some serious shit and I know he's not lying.

"Okay…now you're scaring me Duncan. You yelling scares me, but you swearing on Brad's grave makes me even more nervous."

"It should…but I'm warning you, it's going to sound crazy okay." I nod my head and we sit down on my bed.

"Wait, close your window blinds." Duncan says.

"Uh, okay, sure." Okay, this fucker is really scaring me. I get up and close the blinds and go to sit back down on the bed.

"And turn off your phone too." Duncan says turning off his own. Okay, what the fuck.

"Are you going to put my hand in a wood chipper and kill my ass?" I ask as I'm turning off my phone.

"No…but if they hear me saying anything I will."

"Duncan, who the fuck is _they_."

"My dad or Courtney."

"Duncan you are not making any damn sense." I hear him sigh.

"Here' s what's going on…I got caught for a third time last year, and my dad wasn't going to save my ass. That was until Courtney ran into the court room and told her dad not to do it. That she loved me. That she'll change me and I'll be an upstanding man in society. So he wiped my record. Made me sign a contract that I will not leave, cheat, say anything to anyone, nor do anything illegal until I turn 18. It was that or go to jail for the next 5 years. Gwen I had no choice."

"…Is it bad that it sounds one hundred percent like something she would do. But, if you're not supposed to say anything, why the hell are you telling me?"

"Gwen, I'm telling you because I don't want you to date emo boy."

"Duncan, it wasn't a date. I ran into him, we went and got a coffee."

"Bet ten bucks he gave you his number though."

"So what if he did?! Duncan I don't get it… I really don't. You've been with Courtney way before last year. You've been with her since we were sixteen. You got caught, when? A few months ago? What's the fucking difference with the contract being active."

"Because Gwen, _why_ I got arrested _is_ because of Courtney. She framed me when she stole a promise ring because I wouldn't buy her one. I told her I didn't see our relationship going anywhere, and she put the ring in my bag and called the cops later that night. She did this because I didn't want her anymore."

"Duncan…I don' t, I don't know what to even believe with you anymore. If she did something _that_ fucked up, why do you keep fucking her?"

"Because if I don't she'll tell her dad I'm cheating!"

"With who Duncan?"

"You!" I scoff.

"Oh please, like you would ever cheat on her with me."

"What' s that supposed to mean?"

"Duncan please. Don't even pretend you would leave her for me. Don't even."

"Gwen, why do you think I didn't like seeing you with emo boy!"

"Because I'm your "best friend" you idiot."

"Gwen. I'm being dead serious. I don't _want_ to see you with _anyone_ else but _me_! Gwen I fucking love you, if I could leave Courtney for you I would!" It's everything I wanted to ever hear, but it just doesn't feel right. This isn't how this was supposed to happen.

"Dunk…do you get why I'm so fucking skeptical?! It took you to see me with someone else to say that; not me fucking crying for a week not talking to you because I was absolutely _crushed_ when you and her first got together. Not me being distant because I couldn't stand seeing you two together and you never gave a damn. Never bothering to close your goddamn window!" I feel tears running down my face, I grab him by his shoulders and drag him to my window. Right out this goddamn fucking window I see you fuck her. You could _never_ fucking bother closing that goddamn window! My soul has been _dead_ for a year and a half. I've been begging, pleading with God to make this hurt stop. Duncan you have no idea how much you've fucking destroyed me. I'm in love with you, and I also hate you so much sometimes. You drive me insane and have fucked with my head. I can't. Duncan get out! I can't take all of this right now, _get out_!" I'm screaming, sobbing. For the second time, I punch my window. This time, however; it shatters. I feel my arm go through the glass, burying itself into my skin. As much as it hurt; it felt relieving.

"Fucking shit, Gwen!" He grabs me, and looks at my arm. There' s a lot of blood. I don't even care.

"Gwen!" Duncan looks at me with concern, tears forming in his eyes. "I did this to you…I did this to you…"

"Why are you crying now…"

"Because, I really am the monster people say I am…"

"Duncan-" I don't even remember what I was going to say, but next thing I know the room spins, I see white

" _I'm going to be lucky if I ever write about this day…"_

Blackness engulfs me.


	3. It's been a few years

_Dear diary. It's been a long time since I've written, but tonight I can't sleep and usually once I write down my feelings I'll be okay. Last entry I wrote was when I was sixteen years old, and now I'm twenty one. I guess I should catch you up on my life. After the day I told Duncan my feelings and punched my arm through a window, he took me to the hospital. I'm sure you think that meant we lived happy ever right? Wrong. While I was passed out I guess he called up Trent and when I woke up he was there. Not Duncan. I was confused and hurt, and that was the last straw. I screamed and cried in Trent's chest how much I hate Duncan for his mind games. Trent told me not to hate him, and he gave me a note. Duncan wrote I want you to have a good life, forget about me. I was confused more by the letter and why he wrote that. Then when I returned to school I found out exactly what he meant. He broke up with Courtney and told them to throw his ass in jail; and they did. He's been in the slammer ever since and no matter how many times Trent has told me it wasn't my fault, it was. I never wrote Duncan. I never went and saw him. I tried to honor his wish and move on. Trent and I were together after that day. I love him to pieces. He helped me through the hardest part of my life, he was there for me. All in all he was perfect. Then came the shitty part about growing up. We changed; I changed. His band took off, and I got accepted to a prestigious art school the year we graduated. We tried to keep it long distance, but as the saying goes "if you love someone, let them go." I let Trent go. For my sake and his own. I'll always love him and thank him for the time we had together. We still talk, actually. I will never want anything but the best for him. He was a lot of firsts for me, as I was his. Except one first…he was never my first love. Aka why I'm still awake tonight and cannot sleep. Duncan told me that day he would be twenty one by the time he gets out of jail. His birthday has since long past and gone. I've been thinking about him non stop the past few months. Whether if he got out of jail to only go back. Or, does he have a wife and kids? Maybe he's alone like me out away from our hometown. I just know I miss him. I've always missed him. I even have a painting dedicated to him drying at my little studio the school has provided for me after I won the graduating year art contest. It might not even be a piece I'll sell. I'm sorry for not writing sooner my dear diary; life is complicated. Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on. Maybe now, I can get some rest. Love, Gwen._

I shut the book and wipe the tears off of my face. I haven't done this since I was young. I roll over to the other side of my bed and put the diary in my drawer. I lie down once again, and the same feeling of the disdain creeps back. How foolish can I be? Duncan is long gone. I'm sure he's moved on to his next phase and here I am alone and stuck. Eventually, sleep comes.

 **The next morning**

My alarm sounds and I groan. My eyes still tender from crying last night. I make my way over to my vanity and start brushing my long black hair. Instead of my bob cut I used to rock, my hair is down to my middle back. I still rock my Smokey eye, just now with a purple lipstick color instead of that teal color. So much has changed in the past five years, but yet so much has stayed the same. Black is still my signature color. I put on my favorite black tank top, and a pair of acid washed skinny jeans. I lace up my purple converse and grab my faux leather jacket and look at myself in the mirror one last time. After last night, I have a feeling that today is actually not going to suck so bad. I grab my purse and my keys and start heading down the stairs from my third story apartment. Once I get to the bottom, I see a moving truck. Great, someone is finally moving in across the way from my apartment I'm sure. They better not be anywhere near as pretentious and rude as the last one. I still hated that girl Taylor. What a cunt bag she was. Entitled brat. Considering I am my own boss, I decide I have a few minutes to spare to see who my potential neighbor could be.

 _"Perfect time for a smoke break."_ I think to myself. I pull out my pack of cigarettes and take one out and light it. As I take the first drag, I see a man I've never seen before walk out of the apartment managers front office. He's tall, quite muscular with a tattoo sleeve on his right arm. He has dark shaggy black and red hair, with a couple of piercings on his face.

 _"Now him; I can get used to seeing across the hall."_ I breath out the toxins and I guess I didn't go unnoticed either. The handsome stranger walks up to me.

"Hey, I'm new here. What floor do you live on?" He says smirking. I'm almost a little taken aback. Not by his boldness, but something sure does seem familiar about him.

"Third. 303." I say taking another drag.

"Ah, so God has for once smiled down upon me and gave me a sexy neighbor." I started giggling and then immediately regretted doing so, feeling like I'm back in high school or some shit.

 _"Good God I know it's been a while since I've had attention but get a grip!"_

"Well then neighbor." The stranger says smiling. "Since I'm sure you know where everything is, I saw a sign in there for badass artistry and I'm intrigued. I don't want that dull apartment to look any duller. You know where that place is?" I smile.

"Of course. I actually I know the owner. I'll walk you over there if you'd like."

"Sure, why not. Lead the way sunshine." I almost stop in my tracks. I haven't been called that in years. It feels strange to hear it from someone who isn't Duncan. It's strange to hear it at all. We walk in silence, and it's not even uncomfortable. Then, he speaks.

"I'm surprised you're not scared of me honestly." I rolled my eyes.

"Do I look like a girl that's scared of a man who has tattoos and piercings?" A smirk once again forms on his face.

"Not at all sweetheart, it's just different."

"How so?"

"Well why I came out so far is because once I uh, got out of jail…no one looked at me the same. So my ass left and came to this city. Just far enough to get a new start." I nod my head.

"Trust me. You're not the only one who came here for a fresh start."

"So then, what brought you out here?"

"College."'I say, as we near Badass Artistry.

"Fuck! It looks like it's closed!" He says, and I can't help but smile.

"Not for long." The look on his face when I opened the door with my keys was priceless.

"You _own_ this place?!"

"I sure do. College happened to be art school." He looks around at my paintings, tee shirts, coffee mugs, and piercings.

"Holy fuck this is sick."

"The store technically doesn't open for another couple of hours, but I'm the boss so I'll break a rule for you."

"Well aren't you a special woman." He says smirking, and I feel my cheeks heat up.

"I try. Just look around and find something you like." He walks around, looking at my pieces. It always feels somewhat intimate when a customer looks at my art, but he feels so much more different.

 _"There's something so familiar about him. His, dare I say, swagger, seems so much like I've seen him before. I know he said he just moved here but I've had to have seen him around."_ Preoccupied with my thoughts, I see him look at the white door that leads to the back.

"What's back here?" I smile.

"That's where the magic happens. Back there is my studio where I paint and create the tee shirts and stuff."

"Do you have anything new?" I bite my lip, there is that piece I made about Duncan…

"Yeah, I'm not sure if it's something I'm going to sell, but we can go look at it if you want to." He nods, and I open the door. The paining of the skull with a big green Mohawk and shading with teals, blacks, and greens is the first thing we see. I look at him and he has the biggest smile plastered on his face.

"This is so fucking cool! I used to have green hair just like that too. Then I went to fucking juvie and they made me wash it out." My heart lurches and a shockwave goes through my body.

 _"No. Way. In. Hell. He can't be…..there's no possible way."_

"Uh, speaking of…you never told me your name." I have to know.

"Well fuck, where are my manners. Name's Duncan. What about yours?" My mouth literally falls open. His eyebrow raises exactly like how it used to when I confused the fuck out of him.

"You have no idea who I am either do you…." I mumble softly. His eyes study me, and I can already feel the tears Well up in my eyes. He hates me, or is going to in about 2.5 seconds.

"…Gwen? Is it…is it really you?" Instead of him storming out like I though he would, next thing I know I'm snuggled up to his chest as he embraced me in a hug. I lose it. I absolutely lose it. I start crying, Sobbing.

"I though you'd hate me." I sob out. His hand runs through my hair.

"Never…absolutely never."

 _"Dear diary, what the fuck is the universe doing to me."_


	4. Friends and Pizza

"Gwen."

 _"I can't believe this! Duncan of all people!"_

"Uh….Gwen?"

 _"Why does God love to play tricks on me. Why! I mean I know I say Goddamn a lot but why am I being punished?!"_

"Gwen!"

"Ah! What!? What?!" Breaking me out of my thoughts is one of my employees, and fellow art colleague Miranda.

"Girl you okay?" She says as she finishes up counting down the registers. "You've has that look on your face all day."

"What look? There's no look." I cross my arms. I see Miranda roll her eyes at me. Damn her for knowing me so well.

"That one. The one where you look like you're in between celebrating something and shitting your pants." I snort at her and huff.

"If you only knew what happened today."

"Well, my dear bestie."'She says as she walks over to the door and flips the "open" sign to the "closed" sign. "Now that Work is over, tell Manda what's going on." I sigh.

 _"Maybe talking to her will make me feel better…"_

"You remember me talking about how I got my scars on my arm because I got mad at my first love right? Then how lately I couldn't stop thinking about him?"

"Oh my God, did he like call you up or something?"

"Better, or worse. Depending on how you look at it. He is now my new neighbor." Miranda's eyes widen and then she smiles.

"Oh Gwendolyn. How fate is sweet and cruel to you all at the same time."

"I know!"

"Is this something you're happy about or…?"

"It's complicated…I guess I'll find out tonight whether or not it's going to be something good or exactly the same as it was back when I punched my arm through the window."

"Wasn't it because he was having sex and you could see him or something?" I groan.

"Close enough to the reason, yes. And don't remind me. I swear I'll break down his door if he pulls shit like that again."'

"Or it might be your turn to fuck him!" I blush and glare at Miranda.

"Please, I haven't even properly talked to him about this yet. We figured it out here, he had to go to work, as did I."

"You mean to tell me that guy who you said you told we weren't open yet was Duncan?! Girl! Jump him! Take what's yours again! You haven't been on a date since you and Trent broke up."

"Miranda! I'm not going to jump his bones, I doubt he even is the same person anymore. Who knows if we'll even get along?"

"Well what did he say when you two figured out you were old buddies from the past?"

"We just…kind of stood there. He hugged me while I cried, then after that his alarm on his phone went off so he could get to work on time. He told me to go over there for some pizza and we'll talk but I'm not entirely sure if I want to. He's hurt me a lot you know….he did say however, that tonight he would tell me everything I have questions about. Why he left me at the hospital with Trent. Why he abandoned me….."

"Gwen, you even said it yourself. What if he isn't the same person. What if he's better. I know no matter how much you deny it, but you've held on to your relationship with Trent long enough. He's moved on, it's time for my best friend to try and be happy again."

"Of course I hoped we could get back together…but you know as well as I do it's not going to happen now."

"So what do you have to lose, Gwen? Sitting at home while guitar boy has the time of his life on the road with his new lover?" I sigh.

"You know what Miranda…you're right. The worst case scenario is that I won't talk to him and the best case is I get an old friend back."

"Well, your best case scenario and mine are completely different, but sure." I crack a smile and laugh.

"Miranda, you need to get laid. You're too horny for your own good." She smirks. "Well ask him if he has any single friends and maybe I will."

"He just said he moved here."

"Tell him to make friends!" We share a laugh. This is why I love Miranda. She can take any shitty situation and make you bust a gut. That, and she pushes me outside of my comfort zone every once in a while.

"Well, I guess I better get going. Duncan said he'd get off around 8:00." I walk out the door and she follows behind me. I lock the door.

"Wear something sexy!" She says as she walks to her car and I roll my eyes.

 _"She's right…not about the sexy thing. My ass is putting on sweatpants and he can deal with it. But there's always been a part of me who thought Trent would come back once he realized he was ready to settle down. He settled down. On the road. He found someone who he said he's been looking for…and that stung more than anything. Here I am back in a scenario where I'm watching someone I love, Love someone else. Unlike the Duncan and Courtney situation from way back when, I'm not angry with Trent. He found out who he was and who he needed to be. I can't be angry about that. Plus the new lover on the scene is super nice and we get along well. I think it's I was just with him so long I can't picture anyone else…but I have to. I need to for my own sake. Maybe Duncan is it, maybe he isn't. But there's no sense in wasting my time waiting for someone to come back."_

More determined than ever to make this a good night, I walk with confidence. My head held high for once. I make it back to my apartment and, like I said, I'm wearing sweatpants and don't give a fuck either. Ah the sweet happiness of not wearing jeans anymore. I also do, take off my bra and put on a baggy Green Day tee shirt from a concert of theirs I went on years ago. It still fits like a glove though. I wipe off my makeup, leave my contacts in, and put my hair up into a messy bun. If Duncan is serious about wanting me back in his life, then he's seeing the not so glamorous side right up front. I once again grab my keys. I close the door behind me and just stare at 306. Right in front of my face is 306. I feel my palms getting sweaty as I take the three hardest steps of my life and knock on the door. He opens the door and smiles

"I'm glad you made it, sunshine. Come on in."

 _"I might just shit my pants."_ I think to myself as I walk into his new apartment. All he has out is a couch, the tv, and a few TV trays.

"I know it's not much, but I haven't unpacked yet. Pizza should be here in about twenty minutes." For the first time I look at him. Just like earlier, he's still good looking. Damn him and his muscular build in that white tee shirt and gym shorts.

"So…you said that you're gonna tell me everything right?" I say flopping down on his couch. I hear him sigh.

"You want a beer or something before we start this? I know you've got to be nervous cause honestly I've never felt more terrified to talk to someone in my life." That's a first. He's admitting he's nervous.

"Sure, why not." He comes back with two beers and hands me one.

"…So…." Duncan rubs the back of his neck, that hasn't changed. He always did that when he was nervous. "What do you want to know first…"

"Honestly Duncan, why you left me at the hospital with Trent. I don't get it. That day you were so mean and shit to him then all of a sudden you trust him enough to leave to juvie…."

"That, Gwen. That's because what you said. That I hurt you. I hurt you so much to the core that it broke me. Then seeing you bleeding because of me. Because I was too much of a selfish prick to see what I was doing to you. I loved you…but I knew it wasn't our time. It wasn't my time. When I picked you up, his number on that piece of paper fell out of your pocket. I knew what I had to do. To do for you to have the life you deserve. So I got you there and waited with you while I waited for pretty boy to show up. Once he did, you know the rest. I went to Courtney and said it's over. Her dad took me away, and that was that…speaking of does he know you're over here with me? I'm sure he wouldn't be thrilled with this idea." I smile a little, knowing he did it because he cared about me, and the fact he's naïve.

"Duncan…I've been single for a while now." His eyes widen.

"Did that bastard dump you?!" My heart flutters.

"No…I broke it off with him. There was more than just him being on the road and me being here. We needed to let go so we could grow. I'm surprised you haven't heard he has someone new considering it's been on all the magazines and some news shows."

"Gwen, it's been a few years but you know I don't pay attention to that shit." I smile.

"It's nice to know some things haven't changed about you."'I take another swig of my beer and cross my legs cross cross apple sauce. He smiles back at me.

"Any other questions?"

"I guess…if you're mad at me for not ever writing you." Duncan shook his head.

"Never. But I'm guessing Trent told you what I told him right?"

"Yeah, just to forget about you….."

"Yeah…" Duncan breaks our gaze.

"You know I never did right…even with Trent for all those years I never forgot about you…"

"I never forgot about you either…." He looks back at me with those piercing blue eyes of his. Even now, they captivate me. They're like the ocean…they just have a way of drawing you in. Sweeping you away.

"Gwen…I-"

"Pizza delivery!" The nerdy sounding boy yells as he bangs on the door.

 _"Is it me or was he closer to me than when we first started talking? Nah….I'm just imagining things."_

"Fucking….whatever." Duncan mumbles as he gets up from his side of the couch.

"Here's your pizza, gosh!" I hear Duncan start laughing. Oh how nice it is to know I'm not the only one fate has it after.

"Here's your tip Harold. You should probably answer doors nicer and you'll get a tip." Before he could even respond, Duncan slams the door in his face. I start laughing. Oh the poor soul of Harold.

"Ah here we are" Duncan says putting the pizza box on one of the TV dinner trays. Dinner is served. I hope you still like the pizza we got when we were young." I sit up.

"Duncan you did not!" I open the box and sure enough. My favorite flavor. A veggie pizza with pineapples on it with the thin crust and a side of balsamic vinegar. "You remembered my favorite pizza?!" He smiles at me then looks away.

"Hey. Some of the best memories I have are of me making fun of that pizza and you getting so mad at me and we'd wrestle."

"I'm really impressed." I say taking a slice and eating it. "You could barely remember what two times twelve is but you remember every detail of a pizza we ate five years ago."

"You know me, sunshine. I only remember important shit." He smirks at me and I blush a little.

 _"I really shouldn't be letting him back in so quickly…but…this feels right. Like no time has passed."_ We eat in silence for a while. It's not uncomfortable by any means, which is also strange in itself.

"Thank you for inviting me over Duncan." I say smiling.

"Does this mean we're gonna see more of each other?" The look on his face is so full of hope. That makes me happy.

"You know it juvie." I say smirking. "However, it is getting late."

"Alright sunshine, see you tomorrow?"

"Possibly." I say smiling. I go over and hug him. His heart is beating fast, I can feel it. I pull away and I immediately want nothing more than to just be near his chest again.

"I'll make sure you get in your apartment."

"Duncan. It's literally across the hall."

"Yeah, but what if Harold was still lurking around. You know he's a weirdo." I smirk at him.

"Not as weird as the man's apartment I'm in now."

"Oh, down for the count sunshine. That one hurt." We laugh again and I walk out the door and open my own. We wave goodbye once again and as soon as I get inside, I run and grab my diary.

 _"Dear diary, you have no idea what happened today…"_


	5. What's Going on in His Head?

**Dear Journal, it's me again. Life has been going better since the last time, considering I'm not behind bars forced to write because it helped with my anger issues. I don't have anyone else to talk to, nor would I talk to anyone because what man talks about his feelings to friends? At least not ones I've barely made from the repair shop I work at now anyways. Back to what the fuck I was trying to say anyways; life isn't too fucking terrible now that I left town and became friends with Gwen again. Gwen...she is just as beautiful as I remember her, maybe even more so now than back then. We go over to each other's apartments all the time now, and she even helped decorate the place so it didn't look so fucking gloomy. I've missed having her around so fucking much, but I can't tell if she's in to me yet or not. I mean I think she is, but she could just be being friendly cause her best friend is back. I hate that word best friend. I want the other BF title. I just have to figure out what the fuck she's thinking. Women...I love them but fuck they're so hard to peg sometimes. No pun intended. Haha. Anyways, not really even sure what the fuck I'm doing. It's just I can't sleep so why the shit not. Whatever. If anyone ever finds this and make fun of me I will beat your ass! It's not my fault they made me do this in juvie for my anger issues and it stuck! Who am I yelling at? No one. Probably the side of me this still thinks is the girliest shit I've ever done in my life. What am I, a teenage girl?**

 **No. No I'm not. But I am still fucked up. Of course I'm a better version now, but I'm still fucked up.**

I throw the book across my bedroom. Knew writing wouldn't help. I run my hand through my black and red hair and sigh. As much as I think I'm different, I sure don't feel like I am. Especially with Gwen. It feels like nothing has ever changed, but I still feel guilty for what I did to her. Hell, she still has the scars on her arm from when she punched her arm through the window. I hate seeing that reminder of the monster I was...and maybe still am. My parents still think I'm a monster. That's why they shipped my ass out here to work with my uncle. Of course Mom promised her and dad would call, but it's been almost a month and nothing. Not that I need them. I never needed them...plus I'm sure it's dad's fault Mom hasn't called and checked on me. Fucking controlling bastard. I don't know why she's still with him. Then again I'm the chip off the old block right...just a big fucking asshole. I had no reason to change. My parents hate me, everyone in that God awful town hates me, they should have just let me go back into the system so I could have gotten killed or something. But my dad was so ashamed he had to ship me out here because he wasn't going to let his failure of a son do any more damage in Koda County.

Then I saw her.

Gwen. How the hell was she even here? When did she get here? And I'm still pissed the fuck off Trent broke her heart. I gave emo boy the world and he had to go and leave Gwen. For what? For who? Gwen swears up and down there's nothing that will ever be between them again but I almost don't buy it. She swears the next time Trent Skype's her she'll explain why, but I don't know. I'm skeptical. Does it stop me from wanting to be with her? Absolutely not. She's still the most amazing girl I've ever known, and even now with the grace she holds herself to is mesmerizing. And she doesn't even see it. I lay back on my pillow and sigh. The last thing I thought I would run into out here is her. She'll either save me or be the death of me. I groan and roll over and read the clock, it says 5:21 am. I have to be up at six anyways. I throw the covers off of me and start up the coffee machine. Lord knows I'm gonna need it.

* * *

 _Dear Diary, it's 5:23 and I cannot for the life of me go back to sleep. I had that dream again. He kissed me, and why did I enjoy it? It's only been a month! A month! Why am I feeling this way about Duncan again?! I swore I wasn't going to let him in that easily. I swore this time I wasn't going to fall for him again. Yet, here I am falling for my best friend again. Damn him and his charm, smile, and caring nature for me. Of course he's the same old cocky ass sarcastic, semi-asshole Duncan. But once again, he's different with me. I know there's only one thing holding him back, and that's Trent. You and I both know he isn't going to ever come back, but even if I tell Duncan he wouldn't believe a word I said. It's unbelievable really, if he were to say the same about Courtney, I wouldn't believe it either._

Ding ding! Ding ding!

"Oh!" I put my diary to the side and see my computer is lighting up. That only means one thing. Trent is calling. I throw on a sweatshirt and open the computer. Sure enough, there the rockstar ex boyfriend is.

"You said you needed to talk to me?"

"Good morning to you too." I yawn. "You do realize it's like 5:30."

"Sorry, it's like noon over here."

"yeah cause you're on the other side of the world you dick." He smiles and chuckles.

"Anyways, what's on your mind? Your text seemed urgent." I take a deep breath.

"I have a new neighbor."

"Do they have ten cats like the last one?" I laugh. "No, but he is a handful."

"Oh Gwen, you finally met a man for yourself! What's his name? What does he look like?"

"Trent!"'I blush and look down from his excited gaze. Lord knows I never thought this conversation would be happening. "Uhm, you actually know him. You remember...remember Duncan right?" His eyes widen

"oh, my, God. Gwen you can't be serious? Like not a bad "you can't be serious"'but...wow."

"I know exactly what you mean..."

"So, are you two like dating? I mean you _did_ say he was a handfull."

"Trent! Just because you know what a handful is now doesn't mean we've even- Trent we haven't even been on a date or anything!"

"I heard handful." A somewhat muscular man with a tattoo sleeve, Brown shaggy hair and blue eyes walks into the frame of the camera.

"Of course Ryan, we were just talking about you." Trent says smirking and Ryan wraps his arms around Trent. It's still hard to realize that Trent is bisexual and dating a man, and it's been so long since he told me and it's still just about as shocking as the first time he and Ryan Skyped me.

"Actually, perfect timing. Why I think nothing has happened is he's afraid you'll come back, but every time I've even tried to tell him that you're with a guy, I chicken out. I just don't think he'd believe me if I just came out and told him about you guys."

"Like how you didn't believe me when I called you?" I look down.

"Exactly, Trent. I really do like him and-"

"She found a man?!" Ryan says happily, almost too happily but i'll Brush it off.

"possibly, Ryan. I was just explaining I think what's holding him back is afraid I'd go back to Trent and all three of us know we just wouldn't work now." Both of them nod in agreement.

"So he has no idea about Trenty and I?" Ryan asks.

"Nope, not that you two are engaged or anything." That's why we would never get back together...he found his true soulmate...in a form of a guy. That's why it stings, but I want Trent to be happy and all, but it's my turn to move on.

"He was in jail til like when, six months ago, Ryan." Trent says.

"Damn, who knew you'd like the bad boys Gwen."

"Ha ha very funny." I roll my eyes. "Anyways, stay there. I'm gonna go see if Duncan is awake."

"Gwen, it's like 5:47 where you are...I can call back later you know." Oh Trent, always thinking of others...

"He has to be at work by 7 in the morning anyways, it'll be fine." I get up from my desk chair and walk across the hall and knock on the door.

 _"I really hope he's awake and I didn't-"_

"Gwen?" Duncan answers the door without a shirt on, a pair of basketball shorts and a cup of coffee in his hand.

"I-I Uh...can you come over for a second? Also, put on a shirt." Duncan smirks.

"Why? So you can just take it off when we get in there?"'I hit him across the arm and blush again.

"No you perve, trust me, you'll thank me in a second. Just trust me."

"Alright pasty, I mean I've heard of wake up calls but I don't remember ordering this one." He shuts the door then comes out wearing a black tee shirt.

"perfect. Now, follow me."

We walk into my apartment and I stop in the living room.

"Remember how I said I would tell you why Trent and I wouldn't get back together the next time he Skyped me?"

"Yeah, but why the hell is he Skyping you now?!"

"because I asked him to. Duncan, I promise you'll understand. Just please, be nice?"

"I make no promises, but I won't be as big of a dick as I could be."

"Trust me, I think you'll be a whole lot less angry in about two second." I take him into my bedroom, and Ryan is now sitting on Trent's lap.

"Finally! Is he awake?"'Ryan asks, and Duncan looks at the screen and about chokes on his coffee.

"Hey Duncan, long time no see." Trent says smiling and holds Ryan. The look on Ducnan's face is priceless.

"Yeah, no kidding...so I'm assuming you're..."

"Gay? Yes!" Ryan says. Trent rolls his eyes.

"Just because I'm in a gay relationship doesn't mean I'm gay, but I am bisexual Duncan. This is Ryan, my fiancé."

"fiancé?!" Duncan exclaims, then immediately recoils. "I mean like, not that I'm against I'm just, I just wasn't expecting..." They both erupt in laughter.

"Trust me, I get it." Trent says. "Before we let you two discuss, we will be having a show in your town in a few weeks. I can give you some tickets if you guys want to go." I look at Duncan, and he nods.

"Sure, Yeah. We'll go."

"Awesome! I'll email the tickets to you later, Gwen. I do need to go. We have an interview soon with KFOGTVA about our wedding plans."

"okay you busy bees, have fun!" The connection ends and I turn and look at Duncan.

"See? I told you that's why Trent and I will never work again."

"I need to learn to listen to you..." Duncan mumbles and I giggle and lift up his chin.

"Trust me, you'll have plenty of time to learn I'm always right." His signature smirk once again appears on his face.

"Is that so?"

"Mhm" I purr. I love teasing him like this. Just like I did when we were younger.

"I might just enjoy that." I get up from the chair and stretch. I can feel his eyes on me.

"Anyways, don't you have to go to work now?" I smirk at him.

"Shit! I'm gonna be late! Dammit!" Duncan says, I'm assuming not about it being late either.

"We'll have plenty to do after you get off work. Remember, it's movie night at my place tonight like we talked about."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, but I have to go." He rushes out of my apartment and I laugh.

"Well, I hope that'll help him make his decision about me." I say to my empty room. I yawn and crawl back into my bed. It's my day off and I'm planning to sleep in, happily knowing now I have set the ball in motion to maybe get him to make a move. The ball is in his court, and I drift off to sleep to once again, happy dreams.


End file.
